Monday, all day, I wasn't feeling very well, so I decided that night that I was going to just relax all day Tuesday, including sleeping in.
I was also in a lot of pain. I've got something really wrong with my back, though I'm not sure why. Anyway, I was going to go off of caffiene, to see if it might help ease the pain. (Coffee is an obsession, not just my group name, haha)
Anyway, 7:30 the next morning, I got a phone call from my mom. At first, in my drowsy state, I pressed the "ignore" button, as I'd do with any call when I'm attempting to sleep, then thought again, and remembered my mother doesn't call unless it's important. She'd text if it wasn't. So, I quickly called her back.
She answered after it rang once. I could tell she'd either been or still was crying. "Papaw is dead." I sat there for what seemed like hours, but really it was a couple of seconds, if even that. "What?" "He passed away last night, or rather early this morning in his sleep." More was said after that, but right now I can't remember what.
Needless to say, I got up, made a pot of coffee, drank the whole pot, then made another. I called my husband, who wanted to come right home from work to be with me, but I stood firm and convinced him to stay. I needed to be alone. Then texted my mother in law and sister in law to let them know.
I sat in silence most of the day Tuesday, trying to wrap my head around it, after the texts. I went for a walk down the road, my dog barking behind me, trying to get my attention, and failing.
Today, I spent most of the morning, talking with friends, trying to keep from crying. For a while, it worked like a charm. But then, I started getting down again. I still can't believe he's gone.
His funeral is tomorrow. I'm going although I really don't want to. Going confirms in my mind that he's dead...and that's going to be hard.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Twas the night before...
I just made this up a minute ago...
T'was the night before the Funeral
and all through the house,
My husband was stirring, and so was a mouse.
Friends keep calling, showing they care,
But all I keep thinking is how it's not fair.
I don't want to get up out of my bed,
As memories of fun times swirl in my head.
I'm thinking of peeling an apple with Pap,
And how if we'd change the channel, he'd wake from a nap.
I remember how he'd climb up the ladder,
fall off, hit the ground, and get up as if nothing was the matter.
He'd pretend we were crazy for seeing him crash,
Trying to put our fears in the trash.
But of course he'd be lieing, and we'd all know.
And before we could stop him, back up the ladder he'd go.
Soon, onto the roof, Papaw would disappear,
While we'd all start laughing, some even with tears.
And on Christmas he'd make us go upstairs quick,
because if we didn't there'd be no visit from St. Nick.
Then he'd do what, looking back, I find rather lame,
He'd "Ho, Ho, Ho" as if St. Nick came.
I can't do the rest of it...I'm starting to cry...
T'was the night before the Funeral
and all through the house,
My husband was stirring, and so was a mouse.
Friends keep calling, showing they care,
But all I keep thinking is how it's not fair.
I don't want to get up out of my bed,
As memories of fun times swirl in my head.
I'm thinking of peeling an apple with Pap,
And how if we'd change the channel, he'd wake from a nap.
I remember how he'd climb up the ladder,
fall off, hit the ground, and get up as if nothing was the matter.
He'd pretend we were crazy for seeing him crash,
Trying to put our fears in the trash.
But of course he'd be lieing, and we'd all know.
And before we could stop him, back up the ladder he'd go.
Soon, onto the roof, Papaw would disappear,
While we'd all start laughing, some even with tears.
And on Christmas he'd make us go upstairs quick,
because if we didn't there'd be no visit from St. Nick.
Then he'd do what, looking back, I find rather lame,
He'd "Ho, Ho, Ho" as if St. Nick came.
I can't do the rest of it...I'm starting to cry...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Things I learned from Andy
Before you read this, I want to tell you who Andy was. Andy was my "Brother". I grew up with him, recieved my first haircut from him, went on my first date with him (because no one wanted to take the 'fat girl' to the valentine's dance...so he took me, as a friend), and loved him.
Andy was in a car accident Feb. 13, 2008 that killed him. He was pronounced dead the next day, on Valentine's day, also his brother's 15th birthday.
He was the most wonderful person, next to my husband, I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. He didn't have any enemies, only friends, and under heroes on his myspace page, he put "Jesus Christ". He meant it too. It wasn't just for show. I love and miss you Andy! (Jun 1991-Feb 2008)
♥ Never take anyone or anything forgranted because you don’t know when they’ll be gone.
♥ Never turn anyone away, even if they are incredibly annoying.
♥ The only 3 things in life that matter here on earth are Family, Friends, and witnessing to others about Christ.
♥ Plan for the future with the intent of living forever, while simultaniously living everyday as if it were your last.
♥ Listen to other people, even if you don’t really care what they have to say.
♥ Live life with as few regrets as possible, you never know when it’ll be your turn to go.
♥ Keep in contact with old friends, you never know when you’ll need a friend’s shoulder to lean on.
♥ When someone wrongs you, turn the other cheek.
♥ Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, or people. The ugly people have a good chance of being great people, and beautiful people have the potential to be horrible. You never know.
♥ Make sure you make everyone feel as if they’re of equal importance and do your best not to leave anyone else.
♥ Smile wherever you can, wherever you can.
What will people remember about you after you go?
Andy was in a car accident Feb. 13, 2008 that killed him. He was pronounced dead the next day, on Valentine's day, also his brother's 15th birthday.
He was the most wonderful person, next to my husband, I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. He didn't have any enemies, only friends, and under heroes on his myspace page, he put "Jesus Christ". He meant it too. It wasn't just for show. I love and miss you Andy! (Jun 1991-Feb 2008)
♥ Never take anyone or anything forgranted because you don’t know when they’ll be gone.
♥ Never turn anyone away, even if they are incredibly annoying.
♥ The only 3 things in life that matter here on earth are Family, Friends, and witnessing to others about Christ.
♥ Plan for the future with the intent of living forever, while simultaniously living everyday as if it were your last.
♥ Listen to other people, even if you don’t really care what they have to say.
♥ Live life with as few regrets as possible, you never know when it’ll be your turn to go.
♥ Keep in contact with old friends, you never know when you’ll need a friend’s shoulder to lean on.
♥ When someone wrongs you, turn the other cheek.
♥ Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, or people. The ugly people have a good chance of being great people, and beautiful people have the potential to be horrible. You never know.
♥ Make sure you make everyone feel as if they’re of equal importance and do your best not to leave anyone else.
♥ Smile wherever you can, wherever you can.
What will people remember about you after you go?
Your Arms (Apr 12, 2008)
As time passes quickly through
My thoughts and dreams remain with you
No matter what the weather is,
My mind goes crazy cause it's you I miss.
I long to be in your warm arms,
Knowing I'm away from harm.
Softly, you touch my cheek.
My breath is taken and I can't speak.
"I love you." You whisper low.
"How'd I get so lucky? Do you know?"
I rest my head on you to sleep.
And I know nothing bad will creep.
For in your arms, I am safe.
I never want to leave this place.
My thoughts and dreams remain with you
No matter what the weather is,
My mind goes crazy cause it's you I miss.
I long to be in your warm arms,
Knowing I'm away from harm.
Softly, you touch my cheek.
My breath is taken and I can't speak.
"I love you." You whisper low.
"How'd I get so lucky? Do you know?"
I rest my head on you to sleep.
And I know nothing bad will creep.
For in your arms, I am safe.
I never want to leave this place.
She Can't Win for Losing (Poem from Jul 2, 2008)
She'll always wonder about what never was,
But won't have to wonder what could've been.
She was tired of always trying to push and shove,
And wondering if she would ever win.
But she can't win for losing.
She gains all she's ever wanted.
But loses everything she's known.
Why does life have to be like this?
Why does she have to give and take?
When will people except her wishes?
When will her heart no longer break?
Cause she can't win for losing.
She gains all she's ever wanted.
But loses everything she's known.
Inside, she's fading,
While at the same time growing.
She's tired of being so jaded,
And tired of simply not knowing.
And she can't win for losing.
She gains all she's ever wanted.
But loses everything she's ever known.
And she cries inside
And she smiles.
She doesn't know if she wants to hide,
Nor if she's going to be happy for a while.
Because she can't win for losing.
She gains all she's ever wanted.
But loses everything she's ever known.
But she is really happy.
Only homesick for family.
Although she can't win for losing.
She gains all she's ever wanted.
But loses everything she's ever known.
But won't have to wonder what could've been.
She was tired of always trying to push and shove,
And wondering if she would ever win.
But she can't win for losing.
She gains all she's ever wanted.
But loses everything she's known.
Why does life have to be like this?
Why does she have to give and take?
When will people except her wishes?
When will her heart no longer break?
Cause she can't win for losing.
She gains all she's ever wanted.
But loses everything she's known.
Inside, she's fading,
While at the same time growing.
She's tired of being so jaded,
And tired of simply not knowing.
And she can't win for losing.
She gains all she's ever wanted.
But loses everything she's ever known.
And she cries inside
And she smiles.
She doesn't know if she wants to hide,
Nor if she's going to be happy for a while.
Because she can't win for losing.
She gains all she's ever wanted.
But loses everything she's ever known.
But she is really happy.
Only homesick for family.
Although she can't win for losing.
She gains all she's ever wanted.
But loses everything she's ever known.
Oh the things my husband does! Part 1
A couple of months ago, my husband and I had a date night planned. He came home, and before we left, he washed his hands, so he could hug me, then went to take a shower. (he had hydrolic oil on him because he works in a plastics factory)
Anyway, he got dressed, we talked about which movie we were going to go see, then he realized....his wedding band was missing. He begged me to not be angry with him for losing it, and I wasn't....I actually thought it was funny because he'd just given me a speech on how I shouldn't ever take my rings off because I'd lose them.
He checked the bathroom, thinking he may have taken it off for his shower, but it wasn't there. He checked the counter beside the kitchen sink where he'd washed his hands, it wasn't there either. He started to panic. So, calmly, I told him we could go back to the factory to see if it was still in the bathroom where he thought he'd left it, although both of us knew the chances weren't great. The people there steal almost everything! (not all the people, but quite a few)
He went inside looked around the bathroom, didn't find it. Then he asked the supervisor if someone had turned it in to him, but nope. We thought it was gone.
We went on with our night, had a great time at the movies then went to Burger King. (It wasn't fancy, but it's what we did on our first date, so it was, in a way, very romantic) Then we went home.
Still bothered by losing his wedding ring, he went into the kitchen to take his sleep aid. (he has sleep apnea) There it was, on the shelf above the sink, next to his sleep aid.
Anyway, he got dressed, we talked about which movie we were going to go see, then he realized....his wedding band was missing. He begged me to not be angry with him for losing it, and I wasn't....I actually thought it was funny because he'd just given me a speech on how I shouldn't ever take my rings off because I'd lose them.
He checked the bathroom, thinking he may have taken it off for his shower, but it wasn't there. He checked the counter beside the kitchen sink where he'd washed his hands, it wasn't there either. He started to panic. So, calmly, I told him we could go back to the factory to see if it was still in the bathroom where he thought he'd left it, although both of us knew the chances weren't great. The people there steal almost everything! (not all the people, but quite a few)
He went inside looked around the bathroom, didn't find it. Then he asked the supervisor if someone had turned it in to him, but nope. We thought it was gone.
We went on with our night, had a great time at the movies then went to Burger King. (It wasn't fancy, but it's what we did on our first date, so it was, in a way, very romantic) Then we went home.
Still bothered by losing his wedding ring, he went into the kitchen to take his sleep aid. (he has sleep apnea) There it was, on the shelf above the sink, next to his sleep aid.
I won't go though this again!
My ex and I had dated for a year and a half before I decided to move across the country so we could be with his family instead of mine for a while. I was pretty excited about the move, even though I hadn't told my parents about it beforehand. (They found out the day of, when my ex showed up {in a limo i might add} to get me)
My mom cried, and I could tell I'd hurt my dad with my actions, but I was still going through a rebellious teenage time (I had just turned 18), and honestly didn't care. I was with the man I loved, the man I thought loved me too.
We got to Napa, California, and I was thrilled beyond belief. It was gorgeous! And I got along great with his cousins, whom I lived with for the first 3 months of my life in Napa. However, 3 days into my new life, he changed...and not for the better.
His cousin Sarah wanted so badly to go swimming in the pool at their (our) house, but didn't want to go by herself. I love swimming, so I agreed to go, and Sarah talked my ex into swimming with us as well. (He'd do almost anything for her!)
We swam and danced around in the pool to the music from Sarah's IPod for about half an hour before Sarah got a phone call from her boyfriend who lived 20 minutes away, in a place called American Canyon, asking her to come pick him up because he couldn't drive. She agreed, apologized to us, then left to get him. That was the first time my ex's true colors shown through.
As soon as his cousin was out of sight, he pulled my bikini bottom down, and before I could say "stop", was inside me. When he was finished, I'd never felt so dirty in my life, and wanted nothing more to do with him for a while. I quickly got out of the pool, and ran toward the house. He ran after me. Luckily however, he weighed quite a bit more than me (He was close to 400 pounds, I was 105 pounds at the time), and I could move quicker.
3 months later, he'd not done anything else to me, and had even apologized, in a backward sort of way, for raping me. I forgave him, although the memory was always in the back of my head....especially since my period hadn't come since then. He hadn't done anything else to me since, and we hadn't had sex.
I'd never felt pregnancy symptoms before, but I knew my body well enough to know something was different, so I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive before I could get the cap on it! I was suddenly scared, knowing bringing a baby into the situation wouldn't make things better, but worse for the two of us.
That night, I was sitting in the bay window in my bedroom when he came over. He knew something was bothering me, so he kept bugging me until I finally caved. "What would you do if I was pregnant?" I asked him. "Well, " he said, " I'd like to think I'd be the type of guy that could and would stay by you, and help take care of the baby. Why? Do you want a baby now?" I started to cry. "No, I don't....but I'm pregnant!"
To my surprise, he was thrilled! He threw his arms around me, shaking with excitement. I definately hadn't expected that reaction. To this day, it puzzles me.
2 months later (and many doctor's appointments later because every little thing freaked me out), I finally told him the doctor had told me it was a girl. More signs of his personality change began coming out. He didn't want a daughter...he wanted a son....and apparently he knew of a way to get one...cheat on me...and beat me, although I only knew one of the two was happening at the time. To make matters worse, he'd gotten me kicked out of his cousins' house, and I'd had to move somewhere else.
Then, in December 2008, he was at work, after coming over to my house and knocking me nearly unconcious with a metal pipe my landlord had laying around the house, I went into labor. I was 6 months pregnant. Luckily for both the baby and me, I was living in a 6 bedroom house with 5 other people (my ex wasn't one of them), and one of my roommates, a muscian with an addiction to pot, called an ambulance when he found me after he came home from band rehearsal. At the hospital, they were able to stop labor, and I stayed there for 2 weeks while my injuries healed...I got out just in time for Christmas.
Another month passed, along with many more beatings and hospital trips, but the baby was, somehow, still thriving inside me. Until, January 29th. My ex came over to my house while I was sitting in my living room visiting with a friend I hadn't seen for a while, and said we needed to talk. I was supposed to be on bedrest also, so I wasn't supposed to even leave the couch. (I didn't have a bed...the couch was my bed, and my roommates had been taking care of me)
He wouldn't shut up, so finally I went outside, onto the back porch, where one of my roommates and his girlfriend were sitting. Before I knew it, my ex was yelling at me, accusing me of cheating on him. When my roommate's girlfriend (who was my best friend at the time), tried to defend me, he punched her, giving her a black eye, then turned back to me. My roommate was furious. He hated seeing my ex hurt me, but he definately wasn't going to stand for him hitting his girlfriend.
My roommate stood up to beat my ex up, but just as he did, my ex pushed me down the flight of stairs (we were on the second floor), onto the pavement below. I instantly went into labor, full out, and was in more pain than even just labor pains. My friend who I'd been visiting with had seen everything from the window inside, and called both the police and an ambulance.
The ambulance was there within minutes (I lived 10 minutes from the hospital). They loaded me up, and I gave birth to my daughter Jeanette Marie Pagliero Sanchez on the way...she wasn't breathing. Despite efforts to get her breathing, she was pronounced dead not long after arriving at the hospital. Along with the loss of my daughter, I'd also suffered severe a concusion, a broken ankle and wrist, a broken nose, and a ton of bruises.
My ex was never arrested for anything because when the police arrived, he was no where to be found, and the only witnesses who saw HIM do anything, were druggies, (All of my roomies were pot heads although I never, and won't ever, do drugs.) and i was too scared of him to press charges.
It wasn't until after I went home to my parents here in Tennessee that I found out he'd been cheating on me with three other women. 2 of the others had gotten pregnant with girls. 1 of them had miscarried on her own, the other had an abortion. The 3rd woman had a boy....she and my ex just got married. All I can say is may God have mercy on her soul.....but I have it on good authority that she beats him instead of the other way around. So, maybe their son won't be like his father!
My mom cried, and I could tell I'd hurt my dad with my actions, but I was still going through a rebellious teenage time (I had just turned 18), and honestly didn't care. I was with the man I loved, the man I thought loved me too.
We got to Napa, California, and I was thrilled beyond belief. It was gorgeous! And I got along great with his cousins, whom I lived with for the first 3 months of my life in Napa. However, 3 days into my new life, he changed...and not for the better.
His cousin Sarah wanted so badly to go swimming in the pool at their (our) house, but didn't want to go by herself. I love swimming, so I agreed to go, and Sarah talked my ex into swimming with us as well. (He'd do almost anything for her!)
We swam and danced around in the pool to the music from Sarah's IPod for about half an hour before Sarah got a phone call from her boyfriend who lived 20 minutes away, in a place called American Canyon, asking her to come pick him up because he couldn't drive. She agreed, apologized to us, then left to get him. That was the first time my ex's true colors shown through.
As soon as his cousin was out of sight, he pulled my bikini bottom down, and before I could say "stop", was inside me. When he was finished, I'd never felt so dirty in my life, and wanted nothing more to do with him for a while. I quickly got out of the pool, and ran toward the house. He ran after me. Luckily however, he weighed quite a bit more than me (He was close to 400 pounds, I was 105 pounds at the time), and I could move quicker.
3 months later, he'd not done anything else to me, and had even apologized, in a backward sort of way, for raping me. I forgave him, although the memory was always in the back of my head....especially since my period hadn't come since then. He hadn't done anything else to me since, and we hadn't had sex.
I'd never felt pregnancy symptoms before, but I knew my body well enough to know something was different, so I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive before I could get the cap on it! I was suddenly scared, knowing bringing a baby into the situation wouldn't make things better, but worse for the two of us.
That night, I was sitting in the bay window in my bedroom when he came over. He knew something was bothering me, so he kept bugging me until I finally caved. "What would you do if I was pregnant?" I asked him. "Well, " he said, " I'd like to think I'd be the type of guy that could and would stay by you, and help take care of the baby. Why? Do you want a baby now?" I started to cry. "No, I don't....but I'm pregnant!"
To my surprise, he was thrilled! He threw his arms around me, shaking with excitement. I definately hadn't expected that reaction. To this day, it puzzles me.
2 months later (and many doctor's appointments later because every little thing freaked me out), I finally told him the doctor had told me it was a girl. More signs of his personality change began coming out. He didn't want a daughter...he wanted a son....and apparently he knew of a way to get one...cheat on me...and beat me, although I only knew one of the two was happening at the time. To make matters worse, he'd gotten me kicked out of his cousins' house, and I'd had to move somewhere else.
Then, in December 2008, he was at work, after coming over to my house and knocking me nearly unconcious with a metal pipe my landlord had laying around the house, I went into labor. I was 6 months pregnant. Luckily for both the baby and me, I was living in a 6 bedroom house with 5 other people (my ex wasn't one of them), and one of my roommates, a muscian with an addiction to pot, called an ambulance when he found me after he came home from band rehearsal. At the hospital, they were able to stop labor, and I stayed there for 2 weeks while my injuries healed...I got out just in time for Christmas.
Another month passed, along with many more beatings and hospital trips, but the baby was, somehow, still thriving inside me. Until, January 29th. My ex came over to my house while I was sitting in my living room visiting with a friend I hadn't seen for a while, and said we needed to talk. I was supposed to be on bedrest also, so I wasn't supposed to even leave the couch. (I didn't have a bed...the couch was my bed, and my roommates had been taking care of me)
He wouldn't shut up, so finally I went outside, onto the back porch, where one of my roommates and his girlfriend were sitting. Before I knew it, my ex was yelling at me, accusing me of cheating on him. When my roommate's girlfriend (who was my best friend at the time), tried to defend me, he punched her, giving her a black eye, then turned back to me. My roommate was furious. He hated seeing my ex hurt me, but he definately wasn't going to stand for him hitting his girlfriend.
My roommate stood up to beat my ex up, but just as he did, my ex pushed me down the flight of stairs (we were on the second floor), onto the pavement below. I instantly went into labor, full out, and was in more pain than even just labor pains. My friend who I'd been visiting with had seen everything from the window inside, and called both the police and an ambulance.
The ambulance was there within minutes (I lived 10 minutes from the hospital). They loaded me up, and I gave birth to my daughter Jeanette Marie Pagliero Sanchez on the way...she wasn't breathing. Despite efforts to get her breathing, she was pronounced dead not long after arriving at the hospital. Along with the loss of my daughter, I'd also suffered severe a concusion, a broken ankle and wrist, a broken nose, and a ton of bruises.
My ex was never arrested for anything because when the police arrived, he was no where to be found, and the only witnesses who saw HIM do anything, were druggies, (All of my roomies were pot heads although I never, and won't ever, do drugs.) and i was too scared of him to press charges.
It wasn't until after I went home to my parents here in Tennessee that I found out he'd been cheating on me with three other women. 2 of the others had gotten pregnant with girls. 1 of them had miscarried on her own, the other had an abortion. The 3rd woman had a boy....she and my ex just got married. All I can say is may God have mercy on her soul.....but I have it on good authority that she beats him instead of the other way around. So, maybe their son won't be like his father!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)